Controversial Results From Our First Presidential Debate

Andy Snyder|January 2, 2020

It was a big night last night.

The Party of the Unelectables held its first-ever presidential debate. And we were honored to be on the stage.

The rules were simple. All of the party’s candidates took to the stage and had unlimited time to answer each question.

Since we’re the only candidate, it was a lonely and short debate.

Nonetheless, we’re confident we won the night… and lost it, too.

Things got off to a late start as we waited for the TV crews to arrive. They must have gotten called off by Mr. Bloomberg, though. They never showed.

But, alas, the debate must go on.

The moderator – a lovely young lady – hit us with the first question. It was a hard one, ripped straight from the Democratic debate.

What steps would you take to make our democracy work better? How would you make them happen?

Our answer was quick. We first reminded our host that we don’t live in a democracy. We live in a democratic republic. When we’re in office, we’ll spend a lot of time reminding folks of that.

We’ll show them that the dopes we elect are the dopes who run the joint.

In other words, if we vote for liars, cheats and crooks… we’ll get laws that favor liars, cheats and crooks.

But if we vote for sensible folks – we’ll show this one firsthand – who aren’t afraid to tell the truth regardless of the polling, then we’ll get something good and honest.

If that doesn’t work, we’ll just offer “Free Pizza Fridays.” And Canada will pay for it!

The audience cheered as we made the bold promise.

At least we thought it did. It turns out the moderator had tuned us out and tuned into Wheel of Fortune. Somebody won a trip to the Bahamas.

Next question… let’s move on.

If you are elected, who are three of your leading candidates for Cabinet positions?

Ah, this is a good one. After all, a man is judged by the company he keeps.

We’d start at the top. We’d install our good pal Joel Salatin – the world’s most famous farmer, one of the smartest libertarian minds we know and, of course, a popular Manward contributor – as the secretary of agriculture.

He’d tear things down, gather all the pieces… and let the system rebuild itself without the interference of the government’s heavy thumb.

Subsidies, guarantees, tariffs, food stamps, you name it… he’d let Old Man Market fix ’em all.

Next up, we’d ring up Mike Rowe… the fella who has made a living getting dirty. He’d be a good fit at the Department of Labor. But he’d be much better as the head of the Education Department.

He’d monitor our mandatory service program. He’d make apprenticeships cool again. And, this will be fun to watch, he’d be a pragmatic thorn in the side of every high-nosed college dean in this great nation.

Best of all, he’d also help us draft our universal tax on stupidity.

After all, being stupid should hurt.

More on that in a minute.

Finally, this will be our toughest nomination. We’re not sure how Congress will react. But it’s important.

The person in charge of the Treasury needs to be smart. He needs to be wise. And he needs to have some experience building a nation.

Who could be better to run our national checking account than the man who told the world that a penny saved is a penny earned? Not only does Ben Franklin have great fiscal acuity… we don’t think he’d be writing all that many checks, if you know what we mean.

We say Washington could use a bit of a break anyway.

By this point, it was clear the moderator was getting tired of our antics. She did the dishes as she yawned her final question of the night.

As president, what new taxes would you impose?

We began by quoting Elizabeth Warren’s answer to this question.

“So understand, taxing income is not going to get you where you need to be the way taxing wealth does, that the rich are not like you and me,” we said she said. “The really, really billionaires are making their money off their accumulated wealth, and it just keeps growing. We need a wealth tax in order to make investments in the next generation.”

Oy. This is why we need a tax on stupid.

The country would be rich.

As a businessman and as a manager, we long ago learned that we must reward the behavior we want and punish the behavior we don’t want.

That’s why when we’re president we are going to tax the things we hate… like stupidity.

We’re not going to punish somebody for making their wealth work for them, as so many want to do. We’ll reward it.

Instead, we’ll install a DWW tax… days without work. It’s okay if you don’t want to get a job in the greatest job market this country has ever seen. But you’ll pay for it – $20 a day.

And where will the proceeds of this tax go? Simple. They’ll pay for Social Security. After all, under our plan, every day we work will earn us paid time off in retirement.

Again… reward what we want.

It’s sound logic like this that makes us the undisputed leader of the Party of the Unelectables.

We’ll also tax going to college and watching TV.

And, in one that is sure to infuriate the masses, we’ll bring back the poll tax.

Remember, we must punish the things we don’t want.

And folks must be punished for voting for these monsters.

We’ll fix that.