Found: A Letter to the President From Jimmy Hoffa

Andy Snyder|November 2, 2021

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We found something that you may be interested in.

It’s potentially a historic document.

Last night, we did what we do every night. We went for a stroll around the farm. Following the perimeter, it’s about a mile-and-a-half jaunt. The hills make sure our ticker does some tocking.

It wasn’t far into the stroll that we saw a paper floating in the breeze. We hustled to grab it before it drifted into the muddied-up creek and all was lost.

We pressed the letter against a tree to straighten the edges. We were amazed at what we saw.

It was a thank you note penned by Jimmy Hoffa, addressed to President Joe Biden. Shockingly, it was dated October 18, 2021 – just two weeks ago.

Since this is all made up anyway, we figured the parties involved would see no harm in us sharing that note with you this morning.

Here it is, hot from wherever it is Hoffa resides these days…

Dear Mr. President,

What a victory this is for the little guy. Thank you for, as you say, running the most pro-union administration in history.

I was worried you would cave to the pressure of this so-called supply chain crunch. The boys down here were telling me you were thinking of allowing America’s ports to use automated cranes.

Oh boy, that’d be bad news for us in the organized world.

You didn’t mention it in your speech, but the average dockworker these days is getting $171,000 each year. It’s incredible. But automation would kill it. Those darn machines work twice as fast and are becoming the norm all around the world.

They’re union busters.

But again, thank you for looking out for us.

Your “90-day sprint” plan is ingenious. By keeping ports open all day every day, our boys will get the overtime pay they deserve going into Christmas.

That nighttime and weekend pay will surely put some bling in some stockings this year.

It’s great news for union dues. Oh boy, is it.

It’s hard to believe that just a few years ago, California’s port union was on the brink of bankruptcy. But thanks to you and your infrastructure bill flat-out making automation illegal… we’re set to keep the pace for another century.

What you’re doing is pure genius… $4,500 tax credits to folks who buy union-made electric cars. Fourteen grand to folks who buy union-made solar installations.

Thank you!

I know you’ll take heat for this supply chain mess. Leaders of other countries have caved in the name of getting goods to flow. They’ve let their countries go automated.

But remember… those dockworkers vote. Nearly 99% of union campaign money, ahem, went into your coffers last year.

You’re welcome.

I thought our dockworkers were in trouble in 2010. That scathing New York Times piece predicted this mess. But the piece got one thing right… the unions have all the power. It’s not like a ship can just pull up to another port and let some undercutter pluck their containers from the deck.

But even as a senator, you consistently voted to boost the power of unions. Remember that Union Organization Bill you voted for in 2007?

That was huge.

Who needs the Big Guy with the pitchfork when we’ve got Washington on the topside!

Right now, we’ve got the market eating out of our hand. Our workers are getting rich. Our managers are making almost as much as you… and they get free healthcare too.

You’re the most pro-union president yet… and look around – it shows.

Folks are finally seeing our power. We hit ’em where it hurts… their wallets.

Let’s keep it going. Let’s do what that decade-old New York Times piece said… Let’s give more power to all of our unions and get them earning as much as those longshoremen in California.

We’ll all be rich!

Oh, yeah… In your last letter to me, you kindly inquired about the weather down here. It’s hot… real hot. And the lava flows are annoying. But you grow calloused to the pitchfork pricks.

Really, it’s the company that makes the place so nice.

It’s filled with all the greats. You’ll love it.

But be warned, I heard just the other day that they’re preparing a whole new wing for Trump.

It’ll probably be some god-awful, gawdy setup. At least it’ll get Nixon out of my hair. He’s still talking about his “inflation busting” wage freeze… from 1971.

Boo to him.

Anyway, thanks again for everything. It’s been huge. We owe you.

See you soon!

Your pal,

Jimmy

And that’s it… a piece of history.

But don’t hate us for it. We’re only the publisher.

If you want to know why prices are rising, clearly it’s not the man in the White House today who’s the problem. It’s the men who have visited the place over the last century who have caused what we’re dealing with these days.

Some unions are more powerful than others… and the devil makes his living in the details.

We’ll keep an eye on the farm. This place – even the trash that blows across it – is magical. Let us know if there any other letters from antiquity you’d like us to dig up. Send an email to mailbag@manwardpress.com.