Found: A Letter of Praise for Biden From the Devil

Andy Snyder|September 15, 2022

Oh no… we’re in trouble.

We found another historic note on our farm. But this one isn’t some old letter written in the days of yore.

It’s fresh.

The postmark on it is from just a few days ago.

It appears that a confused – or perhaps undertrained – postal worker put the letter in the wrong mailbox.

We thought about returning it to the sender. But when we saw who it was from and who it was to, we couldn’t help but trot inside and steam it open.

The letter has great national import – too great to risk putting it in the hands of the usual media suspects.

Something like this would get pushed aside by the machine. There’s propaganda to publish, after all.

So we’ll use our little platform. We’ll blast it to the masses without a veneer of interpretation or critique.

You can read what we read.

But before you explore today’s missive, please know that we are not accountable for the words that follow. We’re simply reporting a letter we made up in our mind.

It’s offensive… controversial… and entirely fake… yet riddled with truth.

We think you’ll find it refreshingly honest…

Hey Joe,

It’s your old pal again.

Loved the speech the other day. Great backdrop. Those red lights and the Marine guards… genius.

I felt right at home watching it. The boys down here were cheering for you.

But listen, we agreed on a price. I can’t just let you use my stuff royalty-free.

Please pay at your earliest convenience.

Heck, I feel like I’m getting ripped off. When we made our deal so long ago, a soul was worth something. But now… yeesh, what’s that old saying… “A wagonload of souls will scarcely get you a wagonload of brimstone”?

What are you doing up there?!

Hardly anything is worth a damn.

But I’m not writing you today about what you owe me. That’ll work itself out. I’m writing you about what’s going on in the world.

I mean, I do some harsh work… but you guys are going nuts.

From one old pal to another, you may want to think about toning it down just a bit. We don’t want to cause so much pain that people get down on their knees and pray.

That’s trouble for folks like us.

I do like how you continue to give money away. That’s genius – like turning an ally into an enemy.

Just keep doling it out, check after check. And just when folks think things are getting better… BAM! All that free money will push prices higher again.

Sneaky.

You’ve got a perfect system. They’re addicted.

I’m jealous. I admit it.

You’ve managed to pull $7 trillion out of the stock market this year. Phenomenal job. I know you told me that you didn’t like the stock market being called the “world’s greatest wealth generator.”

It’s on its knees!

You’re making good on your vision of turning Washington into the creator of wealth.

It was a risky move. I thought it was crazy when you first told me about it. But darn it, you’re making me eat my words.

Adding Yellen to your cabinet was pure genius. She gives me the shivers.

But listen… don’t let my anxiety slow you down. I can handle a bit of divine pushback. I’ve been here before. So don’t give up now. You’ve got ’em right where you want them. They depend on you, and they want more.

That’s good news for me.

The bases are loaded. Let’s go for the grand slam.

With all this inflation talk, why not mail folks some more checks? Call them “inflation rebates” or something. Gavin Newsom did it. And look at the work he’s done… just incredible. I’ve been coaching him a lot. He listens to my every word.

Combine it with your college loan rebates (you owe me for that one too!), and your mission will be accomplished.

Government addiction for all!

Hip, hip… hooray.

Anyway… I just wanted to let you know to keep it up.

Keep dividing. Every good hero needs an enemy. It’s worked for me!

You’re doing a great job. I’m very proud.

See you soon.

Your old pal,

The Devil

P.S. Next time you see Trump… tell him to stop calling me and lose my number! I’m staying out of that mess. You know I like the heat… but oh boy, that’s too much. I wish I’d never gotten involved. He’s got everybody coming after him.